Welcome to my simple life

Baby blues

on May 9, 2013

My son is now 12. He will turn 13 in july. When I was younger, I wanted to have a big family, at least 2 kids. I was a single kid and it’s been something I really hated. I still do. I’m always thinking that, when my parents will be gone, I’ll be all alone. I will live these losses all by myself. I have friends of course but it’s totally different. So I promised myself that I wouldn’t have a single kid. But time has passed and I don’t want another kid anymore. I think…

I’ve been alone with my son since his first birthday until his 8th. It was hard raising him alone. He was not an easy kid, had a lot of trouble in school, didn’t make any friends, i had my own problems too, well, you see the pattern. And my life was a little messy. It was a mess in my head and my heart. So I decided that I would never, ever, have another baby. I was not the mother I wanted to be and I didn’t want to be the misplaced mother of two. When I met my actual boyfriend, I was single for three years. He didn’t want to have kids and it was perfect for me. But the years had passed and now, he might have changed his mind. I know he would be a fabulous father but i’m still not convince that I would be a good mother. Honestly, I think I’m just too lazy to start it all over again. I’m starting to get my life back. Am I selfish? Probably. But I better be selfish than being a bad mother. Maybe I’m afraid to raise him\her alone again and I wouldn’t be able to do it once more.

I don’t want another kid because I’m having trouble taking care of myself, because I feel like a kid, because….because!

But seeing all of you sweet mother bloggers makes me re-think it. I don’t think I will change my mind but sometimes, I envy you. Sometimes I would like to start it all over again now that I have a house instead of a tiny apartment, that I have a large backyard and a forest instead of a small square of grass in a busy town, that I have a good job and a lovely boyfriend instead of shity minimum salary job and nobody on my side. It would be the perfect time and place to have a baby. But a baby is not there only for a couple of years, it’s there for your whole life. There’s no turning back. And I’m already 36, I think it’s pretty old to have a baby. So I will continue to look at your beautiful and happy families but I won’t grow mine. I love my son from the deep bottom of my heart and that’s enough and perfect for me.

Does it make me a bad person? 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

  • Archives

  • animal animals a picture a day art baby blogger tips creepy despicable me dogs fail family favorite food forest friday garden gardening home horse house HTML Iphone apps june kevin russ Kirsty Mitchelle minion nature photography pinterest putre-fashion review sponsor tea travel vintage weird work
  • %d bloggers like this: